Welcome, piglets! Welcome to the Zombie Pig Pen. Hope you brought some extra clothes to change into cause chances are when you leave this place, you'll be covered in some SHIT!
Ello piglets. I'm sure you all know by now, your zombie pig pal is none to fond of the vampire genre and actually goes out of his way to avoid vampire films. (Blacula aside) Our story opens on a struggling band "The Winners" who just can't quite get the big break they are lookin for. After a gig in a dive bar and the the cute female bassist, Jennifer(Jessica Pare) leaves with fella who looks like a cross between a demonic Carrot Top and Johnny Depp's Mad Hatter, finds that her one night stand turns into more than she bargained for. I must say that the party scene was rather cool, as short as it was. Jennifer shows up for sound check the next day paled out creepy eyes and all. We can all figure out what happened, no? At the gig that night, Jennifer rocks out on the bass and the crowd absolutely is enthralled by her new look. It appears her new vampiness gives her that lil something the band has been lacking all these years. It seems their time has arrived. You know, come to think of it... I think this is how No DOUBT got their start.
Enter Eddie Van Helsing (Malcolm McDowell)seeking revenge on the head vamp, "Queenie". As you can guess, chaos and blood sucking wackiness ensues. This is a solid film and LOTS of fun. Seriously, i enjoyed it from beginning to end and Writer, Director, and Star Rob Stefanuk has something to be proud of. This is a definite thumbs up. Solid acting and great supporting roles by McDowell and Alice Cooper as well as hysterical cameos by Henry Rollins, Iggy Pop, Moby and Dave "Kids in the Hall" Foley. Suck not only delivers in the comedy arena but there is plenty of blood. While its not a gorefest by any means, it has enough of the sauce and some cool special FX to keep fans happy. The transitions were reminiscent of a GUITAR HERO goes to Hell, which I completely liked. It had updated elements of the classic Dracula story right down to its French/Canadian version of Renfield. Well done Mr. Stefanuk.
I can honestly say i don't have a bad thing to say about this movie, DESPITE it being a Vampire movie. Its soundtrack was well done (it may not be my particular flavor of music but it did well) and it was shot extremely well. I can make a thousand analogies and comparisons to a thousand other vampire movies... but they don't deserve the comparisons. Suck delivers. It does what movies should, it entertains! Just remember, "Never trust a god damn vampire!"
FACES of SCHLOCK: Boobs and Blood Edition Independent Entertainment In Association with Gonzoriffic Productions
"Blood Witch" Written and Directed by Andrew Shearer "Mike Wuz Here" Directed by Justin Channell "One Foot in the Grave" Directed by Chris LaMartina "Slay Ride" Directed by Henrique Couto
Howdy, Piglets. Well, this is by far a movie that is EVERYTHING you expect it to be from the title. We have a lovingly crafted homage to 80's style gore with a whole mess of boobs and chicks making out to keep you interested thru those pesky NON-killin scenes. Created by four directors who should all probably be on some sort of government watch list of some kind, Faces gives us four tales hosted by your fanged creepy whore-er host "Slutpira"(the lovely .
Our first tale "Blood Witch" is about a skanky goth broad named Lucia who manages, through the use of her generic black book of spells to bring back "the Blood Witch". A demonic assassin who kills all she is commanded to. Soon noone is safe from Lucia's ridiculous wrath. Not her bible-thumping roommate, not telemarketers, not the bug man (who made me LOL more than once), not even Lucia herself.
The next tale "MIKE WUZ HERE" features Josh Lively, TJ Rogers, Zane Crosby and Heather Lucas. These were the folks behind "Raising the Stakes" and "Die and Let Live" which if you HAVE NOT seen, you really should, its funny stuff! This tale is about a fella named Derek applying for the job as a theatre manager since the previous manager had since died. One small hitch to this job, one of the employees is Mike, a ghost who has also committed suicide after being fired from his job but still remains on the payroll, despite being unliked by most of the staff. I don't know, I didn't write this! I WILL give Kudos for the shout out to "Booberry" in this film! (Suck it, Dimension) The film tackles some touchy subjects on anti ghost sentiment and ghost bigotry (make that BOOGOTRY), but its handled in a sensitive, respectful manner that makes you think. When Mike gets fed up with Derek's new management and possesses him, all Hell breaks loose and the carnage follows. (Spoiler: No nekkid broads in this story.)
The next story, "One Foot in the Grave", Directed by Chris LaMartina (Grave Mistakes, Book of Lore, Faces of Schlock 2) tells of a beautiful dancer,Katie(Sara Cole) who loses her foot due to incompetent malpractice by a freaky foot doc (George Stover). Normally, that would sideline a dancer and probably send her off the deep end to suicide or at least to countless hours of couch time in therapy. But not our girl... this is just a minor set back as she goes to black magic for her solution. Why does everyone go RIGHT to the black magic? Sheesh. Dr.Scholl (YES that is the foot doc's name... C'mon the movie is called "FACES OF SCHLOCK") better watch out! Katie's foot comes back from the grave(?) and seeks vengence. Never knew a foot could hand out such an ass kickin! Hahahah See what i did there? Ok, I'm sorry. All the puns and crappy jokes in this movie just got me in that mindset.
Our final terrible tale comes from the mind of Andrew Shearer and directed by Henrique Couto (Satans House of Yoga, SlumberParty Murder Mania, Headcheese). And WHAT A MIND IT IS! Mr. Couto seems to embrace the idea of schlock and he excels at it. Our foul mouthed character Biancaaka "TRASH" (Ruby LaRocca) is left at home for Christmas as punishment by her parents for getting expelled from school. Her parents cut off the power and the phone while they are away (how utterly convenient) So like any teen left home for the holidays, she gets drunk and shows off her newly pierced nipples. I think this was the original script for "HOME ALONE". Couto makes a Hitchcockian cameo in his film and plays the perfect drooling, horny mongoloid psycho, perv, Toby. When her ridiculously nerdy classmate Deb stops by to help Bianca with her science, things go from bad to worse. Mr. Couto doesnt pretend to be reinventing the wheel with this film. To be honest i don't even think he pretends to know what a wheel IS in this film. Its simply boobs and blood and he does something alot of folks have forgotten how to do, entertain. Not a bad combo. So Kudos to Couto.
If you're not some film snob who needs some plot driven story or some crazy twist worthy of a shamalanyan ending, then this movie is for you. Just check your brains at the door and enjoy what the Schlock Gods have offered you.
So normally i know this spot is usually reserved for my elementary ramblings that are guised as movie reviews. This time however, i am sitting in the Pigamortis compound, I happen to have "A Nightmare on Elm Street: The Inside Story pt.1" Now I've always been a fan of the "behind the scenes" stuff for movies i loved. Let me start off by saying, I dig Freddy Krueger. Robert Englund played a character and made it his own and changed the landscape for movie baddies ever since. That being said, the Nightmare franchise less than thrills me. Sure, I own all seven movies and have seen them more each more than a few times each. Are they my favorites? Not even close. If i had something else to watch, would i? Absolutely. They kind of bite (barring Dream Warriors). After watching this behind the scenes thing, its clear why. Starting from Nightmare2: Freddy's Revenge, Wes Craven was bumped/quit writing responsibilities because A) he never wanted Freddy to be a franchise (oh you high fallutin artists) B) He didn't think Freddy should be brought to the outside world and it was steering away from the original idea. I admire Wes Craven for this sort of artistic integrity, but New Line could care less. Instead they went with hack writer, David Chaskin. I know you're saying "BUT PIG, DAVID CHASKIN!" C'moooon piglets you know, he's the genius who wrote 1987's "The CURSE" and 1992's "Midnight's Child"... yeah I never heard of him either. Can't imagine why. Then New Line tapped one of thier guys, Jack Sholder who was fresh off "Alone in the Dark" (another classic, blech) So, they have this clown on this biography,and I hear him say "I wasnt a fan of the first Nightmare film... so i had no compulsion to stick to the original..." PUMP THE FRELLIN BRAKES NELLY! Does anyone else find something inherantly WRONG with this??? "I wasnt a fan of the first one..." THEN DON'T DO A BLOODY SEQUEL FOR IT! Find someone who ACTUALLY CARES ABOUT THE FRELLIN MOVIE! I'm sure there is a BUSLOAD of people who would give thier firstborn to direct a Nightmare on Elm Street movie that would do a shit-ton better than you! WTF?! I don't understand why people who don't have passion for what they are doing are given these seats of power over things which other people love. I mean I know I'm picking on Elm Street but this applies to Movies, comics, books, tv shows. Perfect example, I know alot of people have issues with Rob Zombie's Halloween. (Save your whining, i like Zombies' stuff) A BIG reason I'm a fan of his stuff is because he is a legit fan and you can TELL! (ok, maybe not so much with Halloween2, what was with the horse?) ANYWAY, the point is if you don't have real passion for what you do, then step back and DON'T DO IT! You're the new writer for the HULK comic but never read a Hulk comic before? PASS! You're doing the sequel to the new Hellraiser and never heard of Clive Barker? PASS Oh you're doing an update on the tv show X-Files and you never saw an episode or are even a fan of Sci-fi? PASS We don't need your take on it. As a matter of fact, your opinion means less than nothing. You're in it for a paycheck and i understand that people need to make livings, etc. So save any bullshit arguments about "Sell out way the Hell out!" You can "sell out" and still have passion for what you do! Thats all i'm saying. Sorry, rant over. You're dismissed.
Hey piglets, you all know that yer old pal Pigamortis isn't much on vampire flicks but I come to you with a tasty offering from the wayback 70s! After a diplomatic meeting between African Prince Mamuwalde (William Marshall, who later went on to become the King of Cartoon) and a very Vincent Price-esque, Count Dracula(Charles Macaulay) go south, Dracula curses Mamuwalde with the infectious bite of undeath and sentences him to an eternity of the thirst for blood. Also thankfully Dracula has a quick wit and dubs Mamuwalde, BLACULA! So the prince forced to lie dormant in a coffin for centuries until two interior decorators of questionable sexual preference, buy all of Count Dracula's estate and return to L.A. with their purchases. Including Blacula's coffin! Well, I'm sure i'm not giving anything away when I say I think you can guess who the first 2 victims are. Blacula just gets rollin from there. Now i'm not exactly sure why, but Blacula is now at the funeral of the one of his victims, Bobby. Here he sees a woman, Tina (Vonetta McGee) who looks like his long lost wife, Luva. As if connected by fate, Blacula he reconnects with her and Blacula turns from bloodthirsty monster to a tormented soul who simply seeks the peace of his past life's love. Of course the "HERO" starts meddling and cock blockin our African Prince of Darkness.(No pun intended) Chaos ensues and in the end we have a blue/green vampire smackdown.(The make up is awesomely horrid) I never DID understand why Blacula got hairy eyebrows/cheeks when he "vamped out". Be sure to look for the Blacula tribute to DONKEY KONG in the end fight/chase scene. Again Blacula becomes the "sympathetic monster" in the films finale and to me, thats classy. Now i can't really tell you anything else which you probably don't already know about this one, piglets. The bodycount rises as the vampirism spreads throughout the streets of L.A. This movie was $4.99 (you can find it just about anywhere for a similar price)and it is completely worth it just for the AWESOME social and fashion anachronisms. (Skillet and the club scene alone!) Even though this is the epitome of blaxploitation and all very tongue in cheek, there is some hidden social messages thru out the film. Alot of it has to do with the times. There are many instances of racism elluded to if not outwardly thrown at you as far as "the man's" view on blacks and gays. Its these "messages" that give this layers(although quite thin layers) which make this more than just another shlocky horror from the 70s.
Now, i feel the need to share with you loyal readers a lil somethin that makes this movie so very special to me. Back when i was a young piglet of 7 or 8, yours truely was in a hospital, my mom was visiting someone and I was in the hallway left to my own. Out of nowhere there was a patient, an older woman, dressed in a hospital gown, came running down the hallway(In my general direction, not directly AT me). Her arms flailing, screaming bloody murder. She was restrained by orderlies and brought back to her room. Nothing terrible, right? It was a week or so later i watched an airing of "Blacula" on WOR tv, channel 9. Now there is a scene in Blacula... at the morgue... Thats all I'll say. Scarred me for life because in my mind, the woman in the hospital has been replaced by that woman in the morgue. If you can, I highly recommend you pick up this classic in 70's blaxploitation. So put on your 7 inch leather heels, your groovy butterfly collar shirt and pick out your afro and watch this flick with someone you dig.
WARNING: I offer this to you, if you happen to pick up Blacula 2: Scream Blacula Scream... even though it stars the always sexy Pam Grier and Mamuwalde's role is reprised by a returning William Marshall, please don't expect it to live up to the first one's entertainment value. That is all.
One of Ole Pigamortis' favorites. Ahhhh the 80's, how i love thee. Take a group of unheard of teen actors as a group of horny councelors/campers, one horribly deformed, angry caretaker and the make up Fx of the master, TOM SAVINI and what you end up with is one of the greats in the slasher genre. The Burning is without question the epitome of the slasher in the woods story. The story itself is based on a campfire tale told at camps throughout NY and NJ. I remember as a lil piglet hearing about Cropsey at camp. Maybe its nostalgia that makes me love this movie so much. It brings me back to a simpler time. Before CGI and before those overused "twists" that everyone seems to be so fond of at the end of movies these days. This movie is pure and simple, killer + victims = one helluva movie. The story is back in the day of Camp Blackfoot, some smug lil camper bastards decided to play a joke on the "creepy caretaker" Cropsey... As with all tales,things go horribly awry and poor Cropsey is burned horribly and hospitalized. He was released after skin grafts didn't take and the horribly disfigured(and bitter) Cropsey is set upon an unknowing world. Where do you think he goes? Thats right kiddies, right back to the camp. TALK ABOUT DEDICATION! Well, I don't s'pose Pigamortis would be givin away any endings if I tell you its camp shenannigans and blood and boobs the rest of the movie. "The Hooker" scene is memorable for gorehounds as well as a bit that got this movie banned in more than one venue.
What is both amazing and amusing about this movie is the list of "Unknown" actors and actresses that appeared in this film who went on to do som pretty big things. The likes of Jason "seinfeld" Alexander, Fisher "Short Circuit 1&2" Stevens, Holly "the Closer" Hunter, as well as the semi-known Leah "Bloodsport"Ayres, and Brian "Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol" Backer. We can't forget the others who we never heard from again who gave the movie that real camp feel. The acting was solid and they covered all the stereotypes, the hustler, the jock, the nerd, the pretty girl, the horny campers, they covered all bases here. They even broke some tradition (before it became tradition). The girl who DIDN'T wanna have sex got killed just as readily as the slut. They just don't make movies like this anymore. I feel a big part of this was in part to the fact that there WAS no CGI, only physical FX and gallons of blood, done by the MASTER, Tom Savini. Savini actually turned down the job to do FX on Friday the 13th part 2 to work on "The Burning". I remember watching some interviews with Savini where he talked about working on this film. The RAFT scene is incredible and well worth the wait. Your ole pal Pigamortis highly recommends you get your grubby lil hooves on this lil grisly morsel. I HATED camp, but i LOVED this movie!
Machine Head (2000)(released 2004) Director: Leonard Murphy/ Michaal Patrick
Hello Piglets. This installment i bring to you a classic in the making. An ubridled tale of science vs. religion, man vs. the elements, a tale of a modern day Prometheus. Man's conquest to no longer be restrained by the chains of life and death set for us by a higher power... Ok, no i'm getting a lil crazy here. This is a movie about a nerd who with his PC and a 4 stroke engine, brings a fella back to life. Think Weird Science meets Reanimator meets Revenge of the Nerds. Without all that pesky budget to get in the way. While this movie is far from stellar, it is a solid film that just suffers a bit from the lack of budget. Don't get me wrong, i'm not saying you can't have a great film with no budget. I'm just saying that in my opinion, this movie could have been SO much more. Maybe I expect too much? I'm hardly knocking it, it was an ambitious outting. They just didn't hit the mark.
Lets go over our ingredients list for this stew. One leading man, Max Kelp (Josh Walitt)is your stereotypical genius/nerd kid who everyone picks on and never gives any respect to. Stir in the jocks who constantly bully Max and throw in the overbearing, God-fearing, unsupportive father (who happens to run a funeral home... how convienient), sprinkle friends and family of the cast and crew in as extras, a $25,000 college scholarship, thats right the folks in this High School class would give Andrea Zuckerman a run for her money (kudos to those who get that reference) annnnd lets not forget the innocent, unknowing (and likely uninterested) love interest, mix vigorously and let simmer for 79 minutes and you have the makings of a movie called MACHINE HEAD. This has all the earmarks of the classic Frankenstien tale. Fella invents a process to reanimate the dead. Reverse Impulse Bypass Manipulation in which he uses his a 4 stroke motor attached to the corpses head (Thus Machine Head) and uses his computer to pump digital signals to replace the lost synapse. Its really a very plausible premise. I s'pose as plausible as any reanimation story. Needless to say Max loses control of his creation and things go from bad to worse when Machine Head runs amock on the town. Like all creations gone wild stories, as the movie progresses we realize that Machine Head really isn't that much of a monster. Just misunderstood. Aren't all monsters??? Kudos to Rich Cowden for playing a believable and a rather likeable Machine Head. As always I won't give away any spoilers in this review, but the end has a twist worth of M. Night Shamalamawhatever. The gore was low in this movie, they could have really made a niche for itself if they let the blood flow a bit more. One thing this movie had goin for it was that it never took itself too seriously, which is one of the downfalls of most low budget movies these days. Its the use of the comedy that keeps this movie from being an utter failure. So what i'm saying is if you get hold of this dvd, give it a watch. Its a fun movie, but just don't expect much.
Cannibal Flesh Riot (2006) Director: Gris Grimly Time: 29-35 minutes (depending on which cut you get)
This is one of thee most original and entertaining movies your ole pal Pigamortis has seen in quite a long time. The directorial debut of a talented fella, Gris Grimly and Mad Creator Productions. Made on a humble budget of approximately $6,000 it reaches and delivers far beyond what its budget would normally allow. This film has more to offer in its 30 minutes than most "Big Budget/STudio" films have delivered in recent years. Its a loving tale of two backwoods, good ole boys, Stash and Hub out in search of a meal... Did i mention that they are ghouls? Thats right, eaters of the dead. They travel into the local graveyard in hopes of digging up some freshly buried eats. I won't give any spoilers here but needless to say, hilarity ensues. Along with some well written Kevin Smithian dialog about condiments, the movie delivers on every level. What most got my attention was the stylized, slick look of the whole movie. Shot in black and white and even the use of some outstanding animation, this was a mix of the fantasy/horror elements of Tim Burton meets Cabinet of Dr. Caligary meets Lovecraft. Along with a kick ass soundtrack featuring an original score composed by Peter Sandorff (Mad Sin/Nekromantix) and Jeppe Jessen of Hola Ghost. PLUS the discs are LOADED with extras! Commentaries (not 1 but 2!), bloopers, music, featurettes, this one has got it all, piglets! Did I mention Blitzkid doing the title track "CANNIBAL FLESH RIOT"? Now this pig hardly ever does this but I say you all need to get your asses over to www.madcreator.com pick up a copy of this film. Whether you're a fan of horror, or an aspiring filmmaker. This is a MUST! It shows you just what you can do with some originality, talent and some drive in a genre which needs all 3. Head on over and give Gris a shout, check out his art and other projects they are workin on. Give them your love and support... and your money! We need to support those who genuinely deserve it and basing my opinion on this project, Gris and the folks at Mad Creator Productions indeed deserve it!
Call me a glutton for punishment, I like to consider myself an optimist. I'm a glass half full type of pig. I'm always lookin for that silver lining. Yeah thats my story and I'm stickin to it. Which is why I keep watching these After Dark Horrorfest suckfests! I keep hoping I am gonna see one that really does something innovative and exciting. *Looking at my watch* Still waiting, since its inception in 2006. 8 films to die for at 4 years, thats 32 films that had a shot at making me go "AWESOME!", "WOW", or at least "That didn't suck" At least they are consistent,The streak continues.*ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ*
Kill Theory is however a slightly different take on the traditional slasher and mixing it with the oh so popular "SAW" flavor of the mastermind killer, without all those oh so interesting traps.(Cash in while people care, i s'pose) A group of uber close college buds out for their last party weekend go to their pal's dad's cabin. Its here they toast their friendships and how much each one means to one another and basically sets up like every other killer in the woods flick. We have some rather forgettable character building and backstory and then WHAM! We're hit with the gimmick that they banked on saving the movie. An apparently all seeing/all knowing psycho has them trapped in the house and sends a chilling message of "Kill your friends by 6am or I will". Now this IS an interesting twist, but hardly one that holds the rest of the movie afloat. Even with such horror greats as Agnes"Vacancy 2" Bruckner, Taryn "Crossroads"(The Britney Spears not the Ralph Maccio/Steve Vai vehicle) Manning, and Kevin "Strangeland" Gage (way too briefly), its really hard to care about any of them and you find yourself saying "If that was me, i'da killed all of you d-bags within 5 minutes of the first message from the killer." This film WILL however have you and your pals watching it hypothetically asking one another "dude, what would you do if that happened to us?" The premise of friends having to kill one another face to face is interesting but it just falls short of being a "WOW, WHAT A THRILL RIDE". The film was shot well and the blood was passable (see fireplace poker.) But to this little piggie, its just a revamp of a slasher flick with the big "TWIST" at the end that noone would have seen coming because, well noone is that good at being cliche. So maybe next years crop of "Films to Die for" won't kill me via boredom. I won't hold my breath.
So i sat down popped in this dvd waiting to see some sort of uptight, pretentious French documentary about some Frog's trip to Pittsburgh Comic Con and his Romero worship. Man was I wrong. Nicolas Garreau (our documentarian) really nailed a fans' perspective on this one because he is 100%, undying (undead?) Romero/Zombie fan! This isn't some slick, avant garde, grand production from some french indie film company. Instead, its something that would invoke the fanboy spirit in even the most jaded of horror fans. Nicolas takes us on his journey from France across the Atlantic to the exotic wilds of Pennsylvania. On this road trip he has a checklist of finding all of the locations from "Dawn/NotLD 91/Day and Creepshow". His first stop before hitting the Comic Con he takes us to the Margaret Morrison Carnagie Hall where they filmed Creepshow "The Crate" segment. Its when he finds the hallway used in the film that Nicolas absolutely shows his pure passion for Romero and his love of the films. He takes us to the studios used by Romero's Latent Image back when shooting the original NotLD. Its here that we learn the building's basement was used as the farmhouse's basement as well as the roof being used in Dawn during the SWAT assault. We are then brought to Pittsburgh Comic Con for some camera time with the zombies at the 25th anniversary of the film "Dawn of the Dead" or as Nicolas knows it "ZOMBI". Its here that go along with Nicolas on the Monroeville Mall tour with Ken Foree, Peter Emge and "Machete Zombie" Leonard Lies. Just some quick trivia learned from this movie, The money used by Peter and Steven in the bank scene in Dawn? REAL* (*according to Ken Foree) Throughout this tour Nicolas shows all the little nuances and memorable scenes in Dawn, and each and everytime he got somewhere I recognized, i smiled. Invoking memories and just made me a happy Pig. After the mall tour, we are taken to the locations of Night of the Living Dead (Savini remake, one of ole Pigamortis' favs) as well as the missle site(now warehouse)The film showed him sitting in traffic when he got lost on his way to these sites but it added to the feeling of being along for the ride. This dvd is more like someone's vacation footage. I mean this is a good way. No pretense, no "script". Just sheer passion for something that has driven him all this way. A religious journey of sorts. Pittsburgh is his Mecca and you can't help but share in his enthusiasm and zombie love. In my opinion, THIS should be shown on the Travel Channel, instead of boring shows about going to BANGKOK, Naples, Kuala Lumpor or places i have NO desire to go. It is this movie makes you want to find these places for yourself. (Those fans who already havent.) We are privy to seeing things through Nicolas' eyes with no filters or hype or pretense. Just thru the eyes of a fan. I was a bit disappointed when this ended, I found myself wanting more. Maybe I will go on a road trip myself and enjoy just being a fan again. This was entertaining pure and simple. All zombie/Romero fans need to pick this up!
Well it was a great weekend. Got to meet lots of new people, picked up some great swag, and got the word out about the Late Night@the Horror Hotel show to alot of people. Monster Mania 15 in Cherry Hill, NJ. I'm not one for bein a fan boy or anything, but i gotta tell you just how much fun I had here. The people running the show were all very friendly and very accomodating to a couple of shmucks from a Horror Hotel. I'm not going to review all the wonderful things that went on there because I am not even close to a good enough writer to convey all the awesome that is Monster Mania Con. In order to really experience them, you need to go there for yourself. Thats a fact. First on the list and top of the attractions is the "reunion" of the cast of the Boondock Saints. Norman Reedus, Sean Patrick Flanery, and David Della Rocco. Not that they are horror related (although Reedus kicked ass in Carpenter's "Cigarette Burns") Carpenter also was top of the guest list at the Con. I assume this movie falls into the "CULT" status and thusly why its lumped in with a horror con. I could be wrong though. Regardless, these guys were very cool, and way down to earth. IN ANY EVENT... This kinda what bugs me about the CHILLER CON (Even though in my opinion Monster Mania wipes the floor with Chiller) its filled with autograph sessions with stars from not only the horror/sci-fi genre, but people like "Ferris Bueller's Mom" and Richard Kline "Larry, from Three's Company". Now i know these people deserve to make a living just like everyone else does, but what in the BLUE HELL do they have to do with a Horror convention??? NOT a DAMN thing. My only disappointment with not only this con but almost all the cons i have been to of late, is the lack of Independent filmmakers. There was a time when you could go to a con and find a plethora of tables with guerilla filmmakers who scounged and saved up to get a table at a con and peddle their latest film. I was saddened not to see any tables like this at Monster Mania. I hope this isn't a growing trend. I know with the advent of Facebook, Twitter, and mobile media, guerilla advertising is optimal and the ability to reach hundreds possibly thousands of people, for no virtually no cash, but I guess i'm just an old, salty bastard who misses the old days when Indy filmmakers got their movies to cons for the masses who looked forward to seeing them.
So we allllll know "The Saw is Family". This however does not mean that all cannibalistic kinfolk from Texas use the saw for family business. Enter Guy Crawford's "FLESH,Tx".
Directed by Guy Crawford
On screen deaths: 5* Best Death: Sugar's (if i HAVE to pick one)
*i am not counting the "reported deaths" or "elluded to deaths" just the ones shown onscreen.
So where do i begin? The movie starts off like a shot with a pair of door to door bible thumpers spreadin the good word of Jesus. They come to a rundown house out in the midst of what you would assume to be nowhere and come across a momma and her her daughters. After an all too friendly welcome we are treated to a slashed throat and a stabbing for apparently no reason. (Although do you EVER really need a reason to hack and slash door to door God Squad types?) So far... the movie is off to a good start. We jump on over to the local bar, where 2 "biker" fellas(Neither guy had a HARLEY)after what we can only assume was a long ride stop in for a couple of brews only to find that this place in the middle of nowhere only serves PABST BLUE RIBBON! (ain't nothin wrong with that!) Its then that they are approached by Sugar Barley. A sexy lil number who had this low budget,Baby Firefly thing going on. She starts flirting and hits on one of the biker guys and of course easily gets him to ditch his friend and take her home. I'd like to interrupt this review for just a moment for a lil piggy pop quiz:
You're an average (at best) joe and a gal who you probably could never PAY to pee on you if you were on fire, let alone touch you in a sexual manner (Dimension knows what i mean) comes up to you and propositions you... She is what?
A) She is a poor, lost, soul who needs your help her and you'd better take her home before some other guy with less morals than you takes advantage of her.
B) She is simply blown away by your big city charms and down to earth demeanor and simply MUST be yours!
C) She is a crazy bitch who will take you home and butcher you.
I know as men we are hardwired to think with the little head but,c'mon... If you answered any answer but C) you are a tool and you deserve what you get. We now return you to our review, already in progress.
So fella gets brought back to the rundown house we saw earlier and Sugar (who keeps doing this really cute thing with her eyebrow) introduces this moe to the rest of the BARLEY clan: Momma, Jonas(Pa), Fancy, Butter, and Woody, the mullet wig wearin, beefy,studdering,swearing jacktard. As you my dear reader can already assume, things do not end well for our biker shmuck. So far, its been a decent movie, i mean we are only 1/4 way in and although i don't mind low-budget movies, the low budget feel is clearly here. Its here that we are introduced to the unloveable mother/daughter team of Donna and Tabitha Parker. Travelling cross country to get to California to "start over" after an ugly divorce, where Tabitha blames her mom for the problems with her dad. Or at least that is the backstory laid out in an awkward conversation between the mother/daughter in the car. This conversation's awkward level is only compounded by the heaping shovel loads of attitude both characters give off, making them both rather unlikeable. They pull into a gas station for a pee break and it is here that Sugar Barley runs into our duo and Tabitha ends up on the back of a milk carton. Upon calling the local sheriff, who turns out to be Sugar's pa,Jonas Barley, who really doesnt help her at all. With her daughter gone, and little help from the locals, Donna begins her own investigation. One that leads her to the local bar, (the one that only served PABST) where we are treated to a cameo by B-movie staple, JOE ESTEVEZ. He plays the town drunkard, Henry who in a alcohol induced, pre-passout babble gives Donna some clues(?) that something sinister may have happened to her daughter and that Sugar and the Family maybe involved. Henry goes on (and on and on and on) about forgiveness and turning his back on evils and blah blah blah. (the filmmakers squeezed every cent they paid for this cameo out of Estevez) The sheriff shows up to chase Donna off and to "take Henry home" (to see his maker). SPOILER ALERT! (I say this with a fairly decent amount of sarcasm because i feel that the movie has been fairly predictable) We find out that Tabitha has not yet befallen the fate of the other folks in this movie but is being saved for SUNDAY SUPPER and needs to be fattened up. (Although how fat can they get her in a week feeding her a handful of ritz and an apple half?) Woody, is the family kick around as demonstrated throughout the movie by the other family members, especially Sugar. When Woody needs to bring Tabitha her meal, she plucks at his big, dumb heartstrings and not since "Milo and Otis" has a more unconventional friendship been formed. Also not since that movie has there been such an overwelming amount of ADR in one scene. Pretty much the rest of their conversation is all overdubbed which really works well with Woody's studdering(note sarcasm) And when things get fouled up and Donna gets closer to finding her daughter, when Pa gives Woody the order to "Kill Tabitha"... well we all know where this is heading. Donna eventually follows the trail back to the FAMILY house and with ninja like skills, silently enters and is treated to a house of horrors. where various other "children" of the family live and apparently baby bird each other for meals. [I would like to at this point give kudos to CARL HAWKE the set designer for the kick ass poster of WAYNE NEWTON in the murder house!]In a confrontation, Donna knocks out Fancy Barley, the oversexed mute and is confronted by Momma Barley and learns the "secret" (that we all knew from the opening scenes) of the cannibal clan and that her daughter was next on the menu, as well as being given some really helpful tips on parenting by Momma. Our still unlikeable, Donna is knocked out and Woody is to take her out back and strip her of her clothes and burn em. Noone get excited, there is 0 nudity in this film. Its here that we learn that Woody and Tabitha's friendship has blossomed and he reunites mother and daughter, only to be stopped by Sugar. This culminates into what is possibly thee weakest, unsexy catfight ever ending in someone getting pitchforked in the guts. What is really odd is the message they try to convey (kind of beating you over the head with it really) that sometimes we don't always like our family but we should always love them because after all they are family. I am leaving out some of the "twists and turns" of the film, that didn't really add much in my opinion. Flesh,Tx had potential. The cinematography (Guy Crawford) was actually rather impressive as there were some great shots throughout the movie. For its low-budget roots the movie was rather well acted, I've seen worse in bigger budget flicks. The FAMILY seemed to be a bit cliched. We've seen this redneck, cannibal family before in various inceptions. The characters were very two dimensional and aside from Sugar being amazing eye candy, the rest of the cast really had nothing to offer. The characters of Donna and Tabitha just hoping that they would have both been Lunch and Dinner for the Family. Thats saying something when you're actually less likeable than the CANNIBAL, INBRED, PSYCHOPATHS in the movie. You just couldnt get behind them at all. I also think the air of conspiracy the movie wanted to convey just fell short. Who do you trust? Who in town is in on it or worse yet, part of the Family? You just really didn't care. The main gripe of the movie was the terrible sound. The poor ADR, the background noise which at one point drowned out the dialog,some glaring editing slip ups, all in all it simply detracted from the over-all film. The FX (Randy Arbogast)and Make up FX (Michael Peterson, Sarah Catherine Renshaw) were rather mediocre, although there wasnt all that much blood in this, sadly. The moral of the story, don't talk to hot girls at gas stations or bars, better yet take a map and avoid FLESH,Tx all together.
Ok piglets... this is my first review for the Horror Hotel and i don't wanna disappoint. I do so hate to be negative. Hehehehe. If only Dimension would have given me a better movie for me to review. I would like to first start off by saying that I won't go into any details that could be considered a "SPOILER", because I do support independant films and regardless of my feelings on this film, i commend Gary C. Warren and his cast and crew for making independent horror. Here we go.
Path of Torment: Written and Directed by Gary C. Warren
# of Deaths: 5 (3 shown on screen) Best Death: STANLEY
The Plot? Two Bible types come to a quiet, suburban household and for reasons revealed throughout the movie torture the inhabitants and murder their friends and neighbors. I know that is a very general explanation, but this movie was swerving all over the road. I'll give it this much, it's ridiculous first premise, (there are a few in the movie) make you go "WTF?!" but as it goes on, it devolves in simplicity and i think that is the direction it was meant to go and personally think they should have stuck with from the jump. We start off with a party scene. I LOVE party scenes! ESPECIALLY scenes where its all ADR (Sorry for the tech terms, thats Automated dialogue replacement ) conversations amongst party guest you could only HOPE for psycho killers to come in and murder each and every one of them. For reasons beyond me, (I guess i'm just not smart enough to "get it") there was this blurry effect going on throughout this scene that nearly made me puke, mostly because it was blurring what was already a 1/2bottle of Yukon Jack night. One of the first of these interactions was between a white guy (who tries to legitimately use the word "WORD")in a conversation with a black fella in a conversation consisting of " Hey, what was the name of that song? You know the one... you gotta fight, for your right to party? or some shit." To which the black fella replies "THAT SHIT WAS TIGHT, CHIEF!" and high fives him. SERIOUSLY? Then the proceed to drag on the joke of mixing up every 80s rock band. NOONE is that sucky at trivia. This is a very contrasting irony in characters however and is only relevent after we meet... ehhh,we'll get back to that later. Anyway, the party scene goes on and ends with the death of the hunky cop BOBBY ST.CLAIRE. ALL of this BEFORE the credits. So now our story REALLY begins and starts travelling at break plot speeds down hill with no brakes! We are now introduced to KEN and ELLEN, our happy couple and Eli and Todd our door to door bible thumpers. Their happy lives all intertwine like a Tarantino movie without the pesky storyline or expensive talent. Let me take a second to talk about the talent in this movie. Now, i understand the whole low/no budget tactics of filmmaking. You use what is available to you. SO i can only ASSUME (and this is just my assumption) that the actor who played KEN (Craig Beffa) must have nekkid, incriminating pictures of the Director. Maybe he is a brother-in-law or son of a favorite aunt. Or maybe they just didn't have anyone else for the part, but seriously couldnt they have waited till AFTER they shot the movie to sedate this guy? Ken was blander than a ricecake soaked in water. They cut your finger off, broke your arm and cut all up on you and it barely got the guy to open his eyes all the way. I mean c'mooooon i know the fella who plays Eli throws punches like a bitch (Pigamortis Tip: Get a better punch sound effect) but even Eli's limp wristed punches should have gotten more of a sell from you and your wife. The worst offense was during a calm conversation between Ken and Todd while Eli is allegedly raping Ellen in the next room. (I say alleged... they explain it in the movie.) Also, i'd like to just go on record to say there is no WAY doughy Ken got Ellen. She was WAY outta his league, but i suspend disbelief for the sake of the movie. NOW, lets get to the character that although you're supposed to hate him, today's society of people who watch these sort of movies usually end up LOVING, ELI (Writer/Director/Editor/Producer/Star, Gary Warren) I probably would have loved this fella too if all the dialog didnt seem just a lil too contrived and forced. Its obvious Warren loves movies and useless trivia much like i do, however even I got bored of all the tv references. The dialog was trying WAY WAY too hard to be smart assed, flippant and bubbling over with pop culture references. Noone seemed naturally able to "keep up" with Warren's character. Even he seemed to be just go thru the motions in a few scenes and making the references just for the sake of doing it as if trying to fill some pop culture quota. The Spin-off conversation he had with Ellen (his captive, mind you) was just as if 2 folks met up on a match.com date and tried delivering some Kevin Smithian dialog to one another. It just didn't work. The dialog tried, i mean REALLLY tried to be fun, it just fell a little short. One of the most ironic moments in the movie was when Warren's character after a rather funny rant about how much theatre actors suck says "See? Anyone can act now go fuckin screw..." Not anyone, 90% of your cast can't. The deaths in the film were reallllly tame and I understand not having a "big budget" but c'mon. I hope FILTHY ROTTEN HORRORS, the FX team responsible for the "GORE" in this movie didn't charge Gary Warren for their services. I used the quotes because aside from Stanly and the corkscrew death, (the Winner of the BEST DEATH IN THE MOVIE award) there was very little gore and the FX were barely passable. They just seemed to not really care. I've seen high school films with better FX. Even the blood was watered down and weak. I'd also like to say to the filmmaker, there is NO way that "Studdering Sideburns" could ever fit in that freezer in the garage. I would also like to say that I in no way am some politically correct, knee jerk reaction type of pig who gets "grossed out" or "uncomfortable" when things get edgy. That being said, the hanger scene in this movie was really lame. If you're gonna go for that kinda hit, you'd better follow thru and make sure you connect. Unfortunately, you missed by a mile with this scene. Either go big or don't go at all. If you were going to do the scene, at least spill a little of the red stuff, man. I know you're budget was probably limited, but jeez i have a couple of great recipes for cheap stage blood that looks a helluva lot better than what you guys used. The soundtrack for this movie was decent and all of the songs were fairly decent, I'll even go as far as to say some of the songs were damn catchy. I feel like maybe they tried to cram all the songs in and its variety seemed to jumbled. It went from a catchy lil song to death metal to ska. Much like the movie it was all over the place. After all of the twists and swerves and flashbacks (completely neccessary by the way)in this movie, the end reveals the true motives of "ELI" and its almost as if I felt better about the movie. I felt like yelling "WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST DO THIS FROM THE BEGINNING???" It by no means saved this movie, but i couldnt help but smile a bit at the end scene. I was also impressed with the last shot of the film. (Pre credits) Lest I be irresponsible, i feel i must pass on that this movie DOES come with a message, "Beware the internet!" Heed that message, piglets!
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