This is gonna SUCK! Not Really!

SUCK
Written and Directed by:Rob Stefaniuk

Ello piglets. I'm sure you all know by now, your zombie pig pal is none to fond of the vampire genre and actually goes out of his way to avoid vampire films. (Blacula aside) Our story opens on a struggling band "The Winners" who just can't quite get the big break they are lookin for. After a gig in a dive bar and the the cute female bassist, Jennifer(Jessica Pare) leaves with fella who looks like a cross between a demonic Carrot Top and Johnny Depp's Mad Hatter, finds that her one night stand turns into more than she bargained for. I must say that the party scene was rather cool, as short as it was. Jennifer shows up for sound check the next day paled out creepy eyes and all. We can all figure out what happened, no? At the gig that night, Jennifer rocks out on the bass and the crowd absolutely is enthralled by her new look. It appears her new vampiness gives her that lil something the band has been lacking all these years. It seems their time has arrived. You know, come to think of it... I think this is how No DOUBT got their start.


Enter Eddie Van Helsing (Malcolm McDowell)seeking revenge on the head vamp, "Queenie". As you can guess, chaos and blood sucking wackiness ensues.
This is a solid film and LOTS of fun. Seriously, i enjoyed it from beginning to end and Writer, Director, and Star Rob Stefanuk has something to be proud of. This is a definite thumbs up. Solid acting and great supporting roles by McDowell and Alice Cooper as well as hysterical cameos by Henry Rollins, Iggy Pop, Moby and Dave "Kids in the Hall" Foley. Suck not only delivers in the comedy arena but there is plenty of blood. While its not a gorefest by any means, it has enough of the sauce and some cool special FX to keep fans happy. The transitions were reminiscent of a GUITAR HERO goes to Hell, which I completely liked. It had updated elements of the classic Dracula story right down to its French/Canadian version of Renfield.
Well done Mr. Stefanuk.


I can honestly say i don't have a bad thing to say about this movie, DESPITE it being a Vampire movie. Its soundtrack was well done (it may not be my particular flavor of music but it did well) and it was shot extremely well. I can make a thousand analogies and comparisons to a thousand other vampire movies... but they don't deserve the comparisons. Suck delivers. It does what movies should, it entertains!
Just remember, "Never trust a god damn vampire!"

SCHLOCK it TO ME!

FACES of SCHLOCK: Boobs and Blood Edition
Independent Entertainment
In Association with Gonzoriffic Productions

"Blood Witch"
Written and Directed by Andrew Shearer
"Mike Wuz Here"
Directed by Justin Channell
"One Foot in the Grave"
Directed by Chris LaMartina
"Slay Ride"
Directed by Henrique Couto


Howdy, Piglets.
Well, this is by far a movie that is EVERYTHING you expect it to be from the title.
We have a lovingly crafted homage to 80's style gore with a whole mess of boobs and chicks making out to keep you interested thru those pesky NON-killin scenes.
Created by four directors who should all probably be on some sort of government watch list of some kind, Faces gives us four tales hosted by your fanged creepy whore-er host "Slutpira"(the lovely .


Our first tale "Blood Witch" is about a skanky goth broad named Lucia who manages, through the use of her generic black book of spells to bring back "the Blood Witch". A demonic assassin who kills all she is commanded to. Soon noone is safe from Lucia's ridiculous wrath. Not her bible-thumping roommate, not telemarketers, not the bug man (who made me LOL more than once), not even Lucia herself.


The next tale "MIKE WUZ HERE" features Josh Lively, TJ Rogers, Zane Crosby and Heather Lucas. These were the folks behind "Raising the Stakes" and "Die and Let Live" which if you HAVE NOT seen, you really should, its funny stuff!
This tale is about a fella named Derek applying for the job as a theatre manager since the previous manager had since died. One small hitch to this job, one of the employees is Mike, a ghost who has also committed suicide after being fired from his job but still remains on the payroll, despite being unliked by most of the staff. I don't know, I didn't write this! I WILL give Kudos for the shout out to "Booberry" in this film! (Suck it, Dimension) The film tackles some touchy subjects on anti ghost sentiment and ghost bigotry (make that BOOGOTRY), but its handled in a sensitive, respectful manner that makes you think. When Mike gets fed up with Derek's new management and possesses him, all Hell breaks loose and the carnage follows. (Spoiler: No nekkid broads in this story.)


The next story, "One Foot in the Grave", Directed by Chris LaMartina (Grave Mistakes, Book of Lore, Faces of Schlock 2) tells of a beautiful dancer,Katie(Sara Cole) who loses her foot due to incompetent malpractice by a freaky foot doc (George Stover). Normally, that would sideline a dancer and probably send her off the deep end to suicide or at least to countless hours of couch time in therapy. But not our girl... this is just a minor set back as she goes to black magic for her solution. Why does everyone go RIGHT to the black magic? Sheesh. Dr.Scholl (YES that is the foot doc's name... C'mon the movie is called "FACES OF SCHLOCK") better watch out!
Katie's foot comes back from the grave(?) and seeks vengence. Never knew a foot could hand out such an ass kickin! Hahahah See what i did there? Ok, I'm sorry. All the puns and crappy jokes in this movie just got me in that mindset.



Our final terrible tale comes from the mind of Andrew Shearer and directed by Henrique Couto (Satans House of Yoga, SlumberParty Murder Mania, Headcheese). And WHAT A MIND IT IS! Mr. Couto seems to embrace the idea of schlock and he excels at it. Our foul mouthed character Biancaaka "TRASH" (Ruby LaRocca) is left at home for Christmas as punishment by her parents for getting expelled from school. Her parents cut off the power and the phone while they are away (how utterly convenient) So like any teen left home for the holidays, she gets drunk and shows off her newly pierced nipples. I think this was the original script for "HOME ALONE". Couto makes a Hitchcockian cameo in his film and plays the perfect drooling, horny mongoloid psycho, perv, Toby. When her ridiculously nerdy classmate Deb stops by to help Bianca with her science, things go from bad to worse. Mr. Couto doesnt pretend to be reinventing the wheel with this film. To be honest i don't even think he pretends to know what a wheel IS in this film. Its simply boobs and blood and he does something alot of folks have forgotten how to do, entertain. Not a bad combo. So Kudos to Couto.


If you're not some film snob who needs some plot driven story or some crazy twist worthy of a shamalanyan ending, then this movie is for you. Just check your brains at the door and enjoy what the Schlock Gods have offered you.

Here is an idea... LIKE what you do!

So normally i know this spot is usually reserved for my elementary ramblings that are guised as movie reviews. This time however, i am sitting in the Pigamortis compound, I happen to have "A Nightmare on Elm Street: The Inside Story pt.1"
Now I've always been a fan of the "behind the scenes" stuff for movies i loved.
Let me start off by saying, I dig Freddy Krueger. Robert Englund played a character and made it his own and changed the landscape for movie baddies ever since. That being said, the Nightmare franchise less than thrills me. Sure, I own all seven movies and have seen them more each more than a few times each. Are they my favorites? Not even close. If i had something else to watch, would i? Absolutely. They kind of bite (barring Dream Warriors). After watching this behind the scenes thing, its clear why. Starting from Nightmare2: Freddy's Revenge, Wes Craven was bumped/quit writing responsibilities because A) he never wanted Freddy to be a franchise (oh you high fallutin artists) B) He didn't think Freddy should be brought to the outside world and it was steering away from the original idea.
I admire Wes Craven for this sort of artistic integrity, but New Line could care less. Instead they went with hack writer, David Chaskin. I know you're saying "BUT PIG, DAVID CHASKIN!"
C'moooon piglets you know, he's the genius who wrote 1987's "The CURSE" and 1992's "Midnight's Child"... yeah I never heard of him either. Can't imagine why. Then New Line tapped one of thier guys, Jack Sholder who was fresh off "Alone in the Dark" (another classic, blech) So, they have this clown on this biography,and I hear him say "I wasnt a fan of the first Nightmare film... so i had no compulsion to stick to the original..."
PUMP THE FRELLIN BRAKES NELLY! Does anyone else find something inherantly WRONG with this???
"I wasnt a fan of the first one..." THEN DON'T DO A BLOODY SEQUEL FOR IT! Find someone who ACTUALLY CARES ABOUT THE FRELLIN MOVIE! I'm sure there is a BUSLOAD of people who would give thier firstborn to direct a Nightmare on Elm Street movie that would do a shit-ton better than you! WTF?! I don't understand why people who don't have passion for what they are doing are given these seats of power over things which other people love. I mean I know I'm picking on Elm Street but this applies to Movies, comics, books, tv shows.
Perfect example, I know alot of people have issues with Rob Zombie's Halloween. (Save your whining, i like Zombies' stuff) A BIG reason I'm a fan of his stuff is because he is a legit fan and you can TELL! (ok, maybe not so much with Halloween2, what was with the horse?) ANYWAY, the point is if you don't have real passion for what you do, then step back and DON'T DO IT! You're the new writer for the HULK comic but never read a Hulk comic before? PASS!
You're doing the sequel to the new Hellraiser and never heard of Clive Barker? PASS
Oh you're doing an update on the tv show X-Files and you never saw an episode or are even a fan of Sci-fi? PASS
We don't need your take on it. As a matter of fact, your opinion means less than nothing. You're in it for a paycheck and i understand that people need to make livings, etc. So save any bullshit arguments about "Sell out way the Hell out!"
You can "sell out" and still have passion for what you do! Thats all i'm saying. Sorry, rant over. You're dismissed.

Can you dig it, blood?

BLACULA (1972)
Director: William Crain

Hey piglets, you all know that yer old pal Pigamortis isn't much on vampire flicks but I come to you with a tasty offering from the wayback 70s!
After a diplomatic meeting between African Prince Mamuwalde (William Marshall, who later went on to become the King of Cartoon) and a very Vincent Price-esque, Count Dracula(Charles Macaulay) go south, Dracula curses Mamuwalde with the infectious bite of undeath and sentences him to an eternity of the thirst for blood. Also thankfully Dracula has a quick wit and dubs Mamuwalde, BLACULA!
So the prince forced to lie dormant in a coffin for centuries until two interior decorators of questionable sexual preference, buy all of Count Dracula's estate and return to L.A. with their purchases. Including Blacula's coffin! Well, I'm sure i'm not giving anything away when I say I think you can guess who the first 2 victims are. Blacula just gets rollin from there. Now i'm not exactly sure why, but Blacula is now at the funeral of the one of his victims, Bobby. Here he sees a woman, Tina (Vonetta McGee) who looks like his long lost wife, Luva. As if connected by fate, Blacula he reconnects with her and Blacula turns from bloodthirsty monster to a tormented soul who simply seeks the peace of his past life's love. Of course the "HERO" starts meddling and cock blockin our African Prince of Darkness.(No pun intended) Chaos ensues and in the end we have a blue/green vampire smackdown.(The make up is awesomely horrid) I never DID understand why Blacula got hairy eyebrows/cheeks when he "vamped out". Be sure to look for the Blacula tribute to DONKEY KONG in the end fight/chase scene. Again Blacula becomes the "sympathetic monster" in the films finale and to me, thats classy.
Now i can't really tell you anything else which you probably don't already know about this one, piglets. The bodycount rises as the vampirism spreads throughout the streets of L.A. This movie was $4.99 (you can find it just about anywhere for a similar price)and it is completely worth it just for the AWESOME social and fashion anachronisms. (Skillet and the club scene alone!) Even though this is the epitome of blaxploitation and all very tongue in cheek, there is some hidden social messages thru out the film. Alot of it has to do with the times. There are many instances of racism elluded to if not outwardly thrown at you as far as "the man's" view on blacks and gays. Its these "messages" that give this layers(although quite thin layers) which make this more than just another shlocky horror from the 70s.


Now, i feel the need to share with you loyal readers a lil somethin that makes this movie so very special to me. Back when i was a young piglet of 7 or 8, yours truely was in a hospital, my mom was visiting someone and I was in the hallway left to my own. Out of nowhere there was a patient, an older woman, dressed in a hospital gown, came running down the hallway(In my general direction, not directly AT me). Her arms flailing, screaming bloody murder. She was restrained by orderlies and brought back to her room. Nothing terrible, right? It was a week or so later i watched an airing of "Blacula" on WOR tv, channel 9. Now there is a scene in Blacula... at the morgue... Thats all I'll say. Scarred me for life because in my mind, the woman in the hospital has been replaced by that woman in the morgue.
If you can, I highly recommend you pick up this classic in 70's blaxploitation. So put on your 7 inch leather heels, your groovy butterfly collar shirt and pick out your afro and watch this flick with someone you dig.

WARNING: I offer this to you, if you happen to pick up Blacula 2: Scream Blacula Scream... even though it stars the always sexy Pam Grier and Mamuwalde's role is reprised by a returning William Marshall, please don't expect it to live up to the first one's entertainment value. That is all.

Does it burn?

The Burning: (1981)
Director: Tony Maylam




One of Ole Pigamortis' favorites. Ahhhh the 80's, how i love thee.
Take a group of unheard of teen actors as a group of horny councelors/campers, one horribly deformed, angry caretaker and the make up Fx of the master, TOM SAVINI and what you end up with is one of the greats in the slasher genre. The Burning is without question the epitome of the slasher in the woods story. The story itself is based on a campfire tale told at camps throughout NY and NJ. I remember as a lil piglet hearing about Cropsey at camp. Maybe its nostalgia that makes me love this movie so much. It brings me back to a simpler time. Before CGI and before those overused "twists" that everyone seems to be so fond of at the end of movies these days. This movie is pure and simple, killer + victims = one helluva movie.
The story is back in the day of Camp Blackfoot, some smug lil camper bastards decided to play a joke on the "creepy caretaker" Cropsey... As with all tales,things go horribly awry and poor Cropsey is burned horribly and hospitalized. He was released after skin grafts didn't take and the horribly disfigured(and bitter) Cropsey is set upon an unknowing world. Where do you think he goes? Thats right kiddies, right back to the camp. TALK ABOUT DEDICATION! Well, I don't s'pose Pigamortis would be givin away any endings if I tell you its camp shenannigans and blood and boobs the rest of the movie. "The Hooker" scene is memorable for gorehounds as well as a bit that got this movie banned in more than one venue.


What is both amazing and amusing about this movie is the list of "Unknown" actors and actresses that appeared in this film who went on to do som pretty big things.
The likes of Jason "seinfeld" Alexander, Fisher "Short Circuit 1&2" Stevens, Holly "the Closer" Hunter, as well as the semi-known Leah "Bloodsport"Ayres, and Brian "Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol" Backer. We can't forget the others who we never heard from again who gave the movie that real camp feel. The acting was solid and they covered all the stereotypes, the hustler, the jock, the nerd, the pretty girl, the horny campers, they covered all bases here. They even broke some tradition (before it became tradition). The girl who DIDN'T wanna have sex got killed just as readily as the slut. They just don't make movies like this anymore.
I feel a big part of this was in part to the fact that there WAS no CGI, only physical FX and gallons of blood, done by the MASTER, Tom Savini. Savini actually turned down the job to do FX on Friday the 13th part 2 to work on "The Burning".
I remember watching some interviews with Savini where he talked about working on this film. The RAFT scene is incredible and well worth the wait. Your ole pal Pigamortis highly recommends you get your grubby lil hooves on this lil grisly morsel.
I HATED camp, but i LOVED this movie!

Motorhead? NOOOOOOO Machine Head!

Machine Head (2000)(released 2004)
Director: Leonard Murphy/ Michaal Patrick

Hello Piglets. This installment i bring to you a classic in the making. An ubridled tale of science vs. religion, man vs. the elements, a tale of a modern day Prometheus. Man's conquest to no longer be restrained by the chains of life and death set for us by a higher power... Ok, no i'm getting a lil crazy here. This is a movie about a nerd who with his PC and a 4 stroke engine, brings a fella back to life. Think Weird Science meets Reanimator meets Revenge of the Nerds. Without all that pesky budget to get in the way. While this movie is far from stellar, it is a solid film that just suffers a bit from the lack of budget. Don't get me wrong, i'm not saying you can't have a great film with no budget. I'm just saying that in my opinion, this movie could have been SO much more. Maybe I expect too much? I'm hardly knocking it, it was an ambitious outting. They just didn't hit the mark.

Lets go over our ingredients list for this stew. One leading man, Max Kelp (Josh Walitt)is your stereotypical genius/nerd kid who everyone picks on and never gives any respect to. Stir in the jocks who constantly bully Max and throw in the overbearing, God-fearing, unsupportive father (who happens to run a funeral home... how convienient), sprinkle friends and family of the cast and crew in as extras, a $25,000 college scholarship, thats right the folks in this High School class would give Andrea Zuckerman a run for her money (kudos to those who get that reference) annnnd lets not forget the innocent, unknowing (and likely uninterested) love interest, mix vigorously and let simmer for 79 minutes and you have the makings of a movie called MACHINE HEAD.
This has all the earmarks of the classic Frankenstien tale. Fella invents a process to reanimate the dead. Reverse Impulse Bypass Manipulation in which he uses his a 4 stroke motor attached to the corpses head (Thus Machine Head) and uses his computer to pump digital signals to replace the lost synapse. Its really a very plausible premise. I s'pose as plausible as any reanimation story. Needless to say Max loses control of his creation and things go from bad to worse when Machine Head runs amock on the town. Like all creations gone wild stories, as the movie progresses we realize that Machine Head really isn't that much of a monster. Just misunderstood. Aren't all monsters???
Kudos to Rich Cowden for playing a believable and a rather likeable Machine Head. As always I won't give away any spoilers in this review, but the end has a twist worth of M. Night Shamalamawhatever. The gore was low in this movie, they could have really made a niche for itself if they let the blood flow a bit more. One thing this movie had goin for it was that it never took itself too seriously, which is one of the downfalls of most low budget movies these days. Its the use of the comedy that keeps this movie from being an utter failure.
So what i'm saying is if you get hold of this dvd, give it a watch. Its a fun movie, but just don't expect much.

It's a Riot, baby!

Cannibal Flesh Riot (2006)
Director: Gris Grimly
Time: 29-35 minutes (depending on which cut you get)

This is one of thee most original and entertaining movies your ole pal Pigamortis has seen in quite a long time. The directorial debut of a talented fella, Gris Grimly and Mad Creator Productions. Made on a humble budget of approximately $6,000 it reaches and delivers far beyond what its budget would normally allow.
This film has more to offer in its 30 minutes than most "Big Budget/STudio" films have delivered in recent years.
Its a loving tale of two backwoods, good ole boys, Stash and Hub out in search of a meal... Did i mention that they are ghouls? Thats right, eaters of the dead. They travel into the local graveyard in hopes of digging up some freshly buried eats. I won't give any spoilers here but needless to say, hilarity ensues. Along with some well written Kevin Smithian dialog about condiments, the movie delivers on every level.
What most got my attention was the stylized, slick look of the whole movie. Shot in black and white and even the use of some outstanding animation, this was a mix of the fantasy/horror elements of Tim Burton meets Cabinet of Dr. Caligary meets Lovecraft. Along with a kick ass soundtrack featuring an original score composed by Peter Sandorff (Mad Sin/Nekromantix) and Jeppe Jessen of Hola Ghost. PLUS the discs are LOADED with extras! Commentaries (not 1 but 2!), bloopers, music, featurettes, this one has got it all, piglets! Did I mention Blitzkid doing the title track "CANNIBAL FLESH RIOT"?

Now this pig hardly ever does this but I say you all need to get your asses over to www.madcreator.com pick up a copy of this film. Whether you're a fan of horror, or an aspiring filmmaker. This is a MUST! It shows you just what you can do with some originality, talent and some drive in a genre which needs all 3. Head on over and give Gris a shout, check out his art and other projects they are workin on. Give them your love and support... and your money! We need to support those who genuinely deserve it and basing my opinion on this project, Gris and the folks at Mad Creator Productions indeed deserve it!